They don’t know

They don’t get it

Aint lived it or died it or thought they were dying while they lived it suspected they might already been dead from it had friends die of it have friends dying bout it

Ain’t never woke up on the Honor Roll wondering if today was the day that you and Shay were finally going to throw hands because you refuse to let another person hit you hurt you push you without fighting for you

For yourself

and what are you even but somebody that some people love and love to forget and love to test

You did well on that test even after last night’s fights

Took those threats with you to class

Held your tongue and then got tired

And said fuck it, ain’t nobody fittina whip my ass

they ain’t never

Ain’t never wondered if they should call Tonya and tell her to come on round to the corner by your house might as well have this shit out right now over some shit that you and that girl don’t even really care about but y’all mad about because there is so much shit to be mad about and you and her don’t control shit but maybe y’all could settle some shit or at least stop being so damn scared and mad and shit

And they ain’t never knew what

you just know

that Janine who is a foot taller than you and got you by 40 pounds and wants to break your face and pull your hair because they called her ugly and you didn’t and you dared just exist and look like maybe you might be cute to somebody and they said you're smart and she’s not and your lights are on and at her apartment they’re not

and so she’s coming with her cousin

And somebody said you had a choice

They’re thinking about violence

And you’re thinking about trying to just be and that the violence was coming and you had a choice and you were trying to choose being able to walk in the neighborhood to the bus stop and not losing again today or at least putting up a fight against them against them

against them

again

And you were angry and scared and scared and scared and swinging and scared and calling for help too late and too unhelpful

And they ain’t never understood that yesterday may have been the day but so many of us have felt that any day could have been the day and

You knew and we knew and I want to say

Pointlessly, impotently that I knew because once I stood at my back gate with a dislocated shoulder and blood in my ear and skin under my nails and lied to a policeman while he had his gun out asking if I had been in the fight and I had and I was 16 scared and mad and on the Honor Roll and fought two girls and probably had a concussion but I was more scared of him than them so I ain't ask for help

I lived and it was by chance

And I like to act like it ain’t never happen and it did and more than once and I want to say it did and so many of us got in those same stupid ass fights and ain't find no help

and some of us lived

and you didn’t and you didn’t and you didn’t and you didn’t and that shit ain’t right

And dammit they got shit to say and shouldn’t cause they don’t know and ain’t lived it or died it

they ain’t never….and you did.